I had lost about $90,000 as income, earned about $20,000 as debts, and suffered the stress trio: Cholesterol, Blood Pressure and Insomnia (a short term or chronic inability to get high quality sleep). Despite the agony, associated with pessimism and other types of emotional decline; the period was fruitful to get to know and do things; which I did not have much time for. In all of those, I had the time to explore the reflections of today’s world, mind-set, relationships, debates, and standards. Certainly, all conventional outcomes of such personal crisis had registered in my daily routine: Disappointing networks, Unexpected responses, Out-of-the-blues-supporters, and Deep self-realization..
Being a migrate-worker had added lots of psychological pressure, where means of survival are limited and constrained. Even legitimate presence in my current location (Dubai, UAE) requires being employed to continue residing there, regardless how long you had been, or how hard you faithfully served..
During the period, I had rediscovered my Sudan, got closer, knighted a futuristic network; despite my unshaken decision of not to go back for living..!! Being abroad for such long (19 years so far) had restructured my daily expectations, assumptions and acceptance criteria; which would make it is very strange to adapt or adopt in beloved Sudan..
I had lots of regrets for things I did not do, choices I did not take, and mistakes I easily committed.. I think; I had great opportunities, which would put me somewhere else, but for reasons, which sounded reasonable, I lost them.. However, when things come to “Rizq” or earning living, I deeply and unshakably believe it is not a choice, but an adaptable route to take..
Launching my blogs was the best thing I did; where I had felt that time comes to unconditionally share all what I had learned with everyone else. My joy for traffic hits, comments and suggestions are extremely joyful. I do realize the age frame that encloses me, and how controversial are my between-the-lines feelings verses my realistic chances.. However, it will be my legacy, if called so; when living all age-groups at once..!!
I conceptually planned for my retirement: should it be in Istanbul.. I rephrased my resume: should it be towards Training.. I redefined my being: an open Personality.. I restructure my liabilities: it is a big Scam..!!
Last word: Sufism is never definable, as never meant to be addressed to fellow human-beings.. I’m scared of the immortality of after-life.. Controversial questions of our existence are keep popping-up in my head, day and night.. Subsequent behavior is ruling my thoughts and actions.. However; I enjoy both anxiety and worries of being in that interval between life and death..!!
I believe profiling is inhumane, yet I feel need to.. as many are not truly who they claim, or who you think they actually are..!!
ReplyDeleteIf arrogance rules, none would disappoint another.. on the contrary, being humble and humane would make you vulnerable for downgrading.. Equally, being selfish sounds respected by many, as its immediate result would make you literally wealthier, joyful of your own and certainly more connected and mighty.. Bottom line: Disappoint by a Friend condemn you of ill-choosing friends..!!
Through history, many persons had accomplished lots, yet went unremembered.. They did not contribute to our humane legacy, targeted their very own.. However, many of who we still remember, did not accomplished the same momentum, yet we felt how close they were to each of us, as if they did all on our behalf.. This is the only lasting legacy.. How would you be remembered..?
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